From: "Dr. Gary Chapman" <info@5lovelanguages.com>
Date: December 7, 2012, 11:25:12 AM EST
To: jeff@phoschurch.com
Subject: Best. Husband. Ever.
Reply-To: info@5lovelanguages.com
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Best. Husband. Ever.
Wives can't change their husbands, but wives can and do have a tremendous influence on their husbands. How can you make that influence positive?Men respond positively to praise.
One of the most common complaints men make in my office is: "Dr. Chapman, in my work I am respected. People come to me for advice. But at home, all I get is criticism." What she considers suggestions, he reads as criticism. Her efforts to stimulate growth have backfired.
The fastest way to influence a husband is to give him praise. Praise him for effort, not perfection. You may be asking, But if I praise him for mediocrity, will it not stifle growth? The answer is a resounding "No." Your praise urges him on to greater accomplishments.
My challenge is to look for things your husband is doing right and praise him. Praise him in private, praise him in front of the children, praise him in front of your parents and his parents, praise him in front of his peers. Then stand back and watch him go for the gold.
Requests are more productive than demands.None of us like to be controlled, and demands are efforts at controlling. "If you don't mow the grass this afternoon, then I'm going to mow it." I wouldn't make that demand unless you want to be the permanent lawn mower. It is far more effective to say, "Do you know what would really make me happy?" Wait until he asks, "What?" Then say, "If you could find time this afternoon to mow the grass. You always do such a great job."Let me illustrate by applying the principle to you. How do you feel when your husband says "I haven't had an apple pie since the baby was born. I don't guess I'm going to get any more apple pies for eighteen years"? Now, doesn't that motivate you? But what if he says, "You know what I'd really like to have? One of your apple pies. You make the best apple pies in the world. Sometime when you get a chance, I'd really love one of your apple pies. Chances are he'll have an apple pie before the week is over. Requests are more productive than demands. Love is a two way street.
If a wife wants to enhance her husband's ability to give her emotional love, perhaps her greatest influence will be in loving him. In my book, The 5 Love Languages, I talk about the importance of discovering your husband's primary love language - the thing that really makes him feel loved: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch, or acts of service. Once you discover it, pour it on. Husbands are drawn to wives who are meeting their emotional need for love. Can you do it, even if he is not loving you. God did. He loved us when we were unlovely. But that's God. I'm me. I know, but you are God's child and He can empower you to love an unlovely spouse. I've seen it many times. A wife chooses to speak her husband's love language, even though she doesn't feel loved by him. He warms up and in time begins expressing her love language. Can emotional love be re-born in a marriage? You bet. But someone must begin the process. Why not you? Defensiveness reveals the inner self.
A wife says, "Why does my husband get so defensive? All I have to do is mention that the grass needs mowing and he goes ballistic."This husband is revealing his self-esteem hot spot. Some experience in his past has tied his sense of self worth to mowing the grass. Your mention of the grass translates "She thinks I'm not doing my job. I work like crazy, and now she is on my case about the grass." He sees it as a negative statement about his worth. I know you didn't mean it that way. That's why I suggesting you observe his defensiveness, so that you can learn what is going on inside of him. We don't know these emotional hot spots until we touch one. It would be a good idea to make a list of all your husband's defensive reactions. Note what you said and did and how he responded. This insight will help you discover another way to discuss the topic that will be less threatening to his self-esteem. Both husbands and wives hold a tremendous influence on their spouse. However, it is up to you whether your influence is positive.Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
Building RelationshipsWe celebrate God's greatest gift at Christmas. On the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, you'll hear a message about the grace of God shown through the genealogy of Jesus. Dr. Chapman details the list in the gospel of Matthew of fallible people through whom God poured out his grace. Prepare your heart for Christmas with this special message on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.:Featured Product
God Speaks Your Love Language by Gary Chapman
Tune in to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, the weekly radio broadcast brought to you by Moody Radio and Moody Publishers. Check your local radio station, download free podcasts, or listen live online Saturdays at 10:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. CST at moodyradio.org.
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Dear Friends,
We are looking for lots and lots of copier paper boxes for the food baskets this year. Our supplier did not have boxes to donate. I just found this out. Please let me know if you, your school or someone you know has lots of copier paper boxes that we could have.Cash donations are appreciated too. We have $5,000 toward our $10,000 goal. All the cash is used to pay for hams, bread, milk, sugar, potatoes, apples, peanut butter, dry beans and pancake mix for 325 local families.Thank you!Bobbie Stoess
From: "Dr. Gary Chapman" <info@5lovelanguages.com>Subject: Is Separation the End?Date: November 30, 2012 5:29:21 PM ESTReply-To: info@5lovelanguages.com
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Is Separation the End?
Thousands of people experience marital separation every year. Many of them sincerely want to know, "What should I do?" Here are some thoughts to guide you, or those you love, through this process:
Don't assume that separation equals divorce. Separation just means that a marriage is in desperate straits. Separation is not permanent and has the potential to even lead to a restored, enriched, growing marriage. What you do in the weeks following your separation will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Healing will require listening, understanding, discipline, change. But hard work can result in the joy of a restored marriage.
I realize some may respond: "It sounds good, but it won't work. We've tried before. Besides, I don't think my spouse will even try again. I'm not even sure I want to try." I understand your feelings, but don't assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will last forever, or that your own feelings are permanent. One of God's gifts to all of us is the gift of choice. We can change. Your spouse may be saying: "I'm through. It is finished. I don't want to talk about it." But three week or three months from now your spouse may be willing to talk. Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on your spouse's response to the Spirit of God. You pray. You work. You leave the results to God. When we chose to work on our marriages, we have all the help of God. God will not force your spouse to deal with issues and return to the marriage, but He will give you wisdom and strength as you seek to follow His will.
When we turn to the Bible for guidance, we discover that the Bible calls us to seek reconciliation. Divorce is not God's desire. It is true that ultimately you cannot keep your spouse from divorcing you. Even God had to grant Israel a divorce because she refused to turn from her sinful ways (Jeremiah 3:8). But that was after years of seeking reconciliation. And even yet, God has not given up on Israel - there will be future reconciliation.If this email finds you in the midst of a marital separation, I want to encourage you to seek reconciliation. Even if your spouse ultimately refuses your efforts, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were faithful to the Biblical ideal.Continue the conversation: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
Building RelationshipsDo you ever feel like being a godly wife means you simply disappear? That you don't have an opinion or a personality anymore? On this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, Kimberly Wagner shows that a godly woman can be a fierce woman, fighting for her own heart as well as her husband's. Discover the power of a soft warrior.Fierce Women: The Power of a Soft WarriorSaturday: December 1, 2012Featured Product:Fierce Women by Kimberly Wagner
Tune in to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, the weekly radio broadcast brought to you by Moody Radio and Moody Publishers. Check your local radio station, download free podcasts, or listen live online Saturdays at 10:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. CST at moodyradio.org.
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Calling all kids!
If your kids (5th grade and under) would like to be in the Christmas skit for our services this Sunday (at 9:30 and 11 AM), they need to be at our skit practice this Saturday from 9-11 AM at 4200.Please call me at 640-4927 if you have any questions!Thank you!
Laura